Its hard to remember sometimes, but we children of the cold war actually thought we might be the last generation. The last generation before mankind all but destroyed itself. Viet Nam warped everything too. How could you conscientiously bring children into such a world? We actually believed that for a while. Slowly it changed to "how could you conscientiously bring children into such a crazy marriage?" I didn't think I ever wanted children in those days. How would children have changed what happened? We generally assumed it would be worse, but maybe it would have been better. Now that I understand what it is like to have children, I miss the babies we never had. That still doesn't mean it would have turned out well. Just the gene pool talking through my instincts. It was easier to break up without children, that's all I can say for sure.
There were great times and lots of them. Generally, though, we treated each other with incredible carelessness. Again and again and again until scar tissue took over. Ten years of learning what doesn't work. No clues on resolving conflict. Holding back, playing defense, droll and funny, clever and ironic, cutting and caustic, passive-agressive, keeping up appearances, smoothly going through the rituals of living together but slowly falling apart. Indulging ourselves all the while, making it somehow bearable. Fooling yourselves, actually thinking you could live crazy soap-opera lives and not pay dearly. How to hurt the one you love, casually, often without even thinking about it. Sometimes knowing exactly what you were doing and selfishly doing it anyway. Learning how to escape the pain for years in ways that ultimately just made it worse. What wonderful times, what wasted opportunities. How crazy. How ordinary.
